Posts Tagged musician

St. Peter and the Freight Elevator (Musician Humor)

 

One day St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates checking people into heaven. The first man comes up and St. Peter “What did you do on earth?” The man says “I was a doctor.” St. Peter says “That’s wonderful…go right in.” The next man comes up and St. Peter says “What did you do on earth?” The man tells St. Peter that he was a research scientist and St. Peter says “that’s wonderful. Go right in.” As the third man comes up St. Peter says to him “And what did you do on earth?” The third man says “I was a musician.” St. Peter says “That’s great. Follow the fence around to the right, use the staff entrance and take the freight elevator up to the third floor….”

 


The kicker about this joke is how true it is–musicians know this well. In the ’80s I was playing tons of private parties and had gone through this routine 100′s of times.

 

Years back, I took a friend out for a birthday dinner at a fancy hotel in Santa Monica. I was driving into the hotel area so we could check in, when she said to me, “Where are we going?” I found this to be an odd question, when I looked around and saw that I was at the loading dock! Habits, habits, habits!

 

 

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Great Lies of The Music Business (Humor)

 

  • The booking is definite
  • Your check’s in the mail
  • We can fix it in the mix
  • This is the best dope you’ve ever had
  • The show starts at 8
  • My agent will take care of it
  • I’m sure it will work
  • Your tickets are at the door
  • It sounds in tune to me
  • Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
  • I know your mic is on
  • I checked it myself
  • The roadie took care of it
  • She’ll be backstage after the show
  • Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
  • The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
  • It’s the hottest pickup I could get
  • The club will provide the PA and lights
  • I really love the band
  • We’ll have it ready by tonight
  • We’ll have lunch sometime
  • If it breaks, we’ll fix it for free
  • We’ll let you know
  • I had nothing to do with your marriage breaking up. It was on the rocks long before I ever met you
  • The place was packed
  • We’ll have you back next week
  • Don’t worry, you’ll be the headliner
  • It’s on the truck
  • My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
  • Someone will be there early to let you in
  • I’ve only been playing for a year
  • I’ve been playing for 20 years
  • We’ll have fliers printed tomorrow
  • I’m with the band
  • The band drinks free
  • You’ll get your cut tonight
  • We’ll supply someone for the door
  • You’ll have no problem fitting that bass cabinet in the trunk of your car
  • They’ll be lots of roadies when you get there
  • It’s totally compatible with your current program
  • You’ll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
  • This is one of Jimi’s old Strats
  • We’ll definitely come to the gig
  • You can depend on me

 

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Pro Musicians’ Tips #1 of 4: About Instruments & Equipment

 

As a supplement to the large bodies of valuable information available, these lists of “Pro Musicians’ Tip” has been compiled from years of personal experience, observing others and by personal survey of about a dozen working professionals spanning all echelons of the business from local clubs to major-venue players and stage hands. In my book, How To Make A Living as a Musician, these were listed as appendix material, called “Miscellaneous Tips & Advices.” These tips represent dues well paid over many, many years. Though this is a hefty list, there are hundreds of other tips around to be discovered. Use them to enhance your prosperity as a musician!

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The Musicians’ Basic Gig Checklist

 

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The Musicians’ Gig Checklist lays out all the things you could need at a gig: a fuse can blow, a string can break, a strong wind can blow your music off the stand, your guitar battery could go dead or you could be swarmed with bugs on a hot day. It’s a drag to be at a gig and not have something that you need, and knowing the possibilities prevents potential disasters.

 

 


    BASIC SET-UP

  1. Instrument(s), cables, wiping cloth and any needed accessories your instrument needs. E.g., extra reeds for sax players, valve oil for brass players, rosin for string players, etc.
  2. Amp, if not acoustic
  3. At least one extra instrument cable if playing an electric instrument
  4. An extension cord, three prong adapter, junction box and a small flashlight
  5. Any tools you use (screwdrivers, pliers, keyboard stand tighteners, drum key, etc.)
  6. Instrument tuner
  7. Extra fuses for your amp
  8. Extra batteries if you use them
  9. Extra strings if a string player with a wire cutter and extra picks if a guitarist or bassist
  10. Effects units with all the cables if you’re using these
  11. Anything else you might need, i.e., a towel if you sweat a lot, a hygiene bag, umbrella, rain boots, musicians’ earplugs for extremely loud music, etc.
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How To Make A Living as a Guitarist

 

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This is the original, unedited version of my GUITAR PLAYER magazine article called “FREELANCING — How To Get Hometown Gigs Now!” (Nov 95) It is a summation of what it takes to be a successful freelance guitarist. GUITAR PLAYER magazine loved my main book and wanted a condensed version for the guitar players of the world… so I gave them one!

 

 

 

Many guitarists want to make a living in the music business. You get an instrument and learn to play because it looks fun, exciting or cool—and off you go. After awhile you’re jamming, and making a career with music sounds like a good move. At some point this “good move” can become a fruitful career… or a disaster.
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